Hindsight is 2020

Okay, I know everyone and their dog is using that title, so it's unoriginal, but if you don't, you're just an idiot, so, anyway: 

Obviously this was a fucking YEAR for everyone so rather than harp on some of the challenges, I just want to paint a better picture of what I'm doing and where I'm finding myself as this year comes to a close. (Note: I wrote most of this earlier in the month and some things have changed, but I haven't processed them yet, cause 2020)

I live in New Mexico. Not Arizona, or Colorado, although if you're reading this from Texas it's likely all the same to you. 
I just wrapped up a class on public lands and that's totally not a non-sequitur because if you live in Texas like I did for 18 years, then you may not realize just how amazing the world is outside of the state, especially in places like New Mexico which is over 40% public land. I appreciated thinking about public lands through the lens of equity and diversity...

So, I'm in New Mexico, in the mountains. I lived in ABQ for five years until two years ago when we ran away from the chaos and found ourselves establishing roots here. I wanted to write a blog about what I've learned in the two years since my co-workers said they didn't trust me, and my boss kicked me out of our staff housing because she didn't like my boyfriend.. but to be honest, I'm still processing all the shit that went down... and looking forward to connecting with some of the other folks I know that are still processing, too. Maybe 2021 is our year of reconnecting. 

Where I live has a lot of public land access. It's a little overwhelming. In the previous 5 years I spent living in NM, I really dug into the landscape and exploring one specific corner of the state. Not only is there an entire new set of trails up here, but entirely new ecosystems-- which is both exhilarating (because there's so much to learn) and exhausting (because I feel like a n00b). 

16 months ago we bought a house. I wrote a blog about it. It's been a journey, for sure. Other than the foam squares we put in the bedroom, (most of which have since been covered with cat snot, torn up by dog toenails or repurposed to another room of the house) we don't have any flooring in our unit. Just painted subfloor. There were five separate units but we turned one back into a garage, offering the cabinets from the kitchen to the chickens for nesting. It is currently filled with a miscellany of things including two motorcycles, a mechanism that throws clays for shooting at, and a fridge that somehow got unplugged before it got emptied that I hope will somehow spontaneously combust before I get around to the deed. 

I have felt extremely fortunate to have this house since the pandemic started, for a lot of reasons. One is the security and stability. Although the bank owns about 98% of it, it's been nice not to navigate the rent situation others have gone through. Secondly, is the ability to give. Since we have the space and the situation, we have been able to help those affected by Covid, in some ways. And third is the community. Since buying the house, we've been opening the units exclusively to our friends and people likeminded. We call it our "unintentional community", which currently consists of 5 dogs (ranging in age from 8 weeks to 3 years), 5 cats, 7 adults, 1.5 babies (one is on the way), about 45 hens and 7 roosters. Lastly, I guess I feel really blessed to live in a place that is infinitely beautiful, and challenging, with a cultural history I have barely scratched the surface of. 

I could go on about my house, especially since like most people, I have been spending a lot of time there this year... but for the sake of everyone else's privacy, I'll ramble about my employment. 

I have been incredibly fortunate to not only stay employed, but gain employment during this time. I was going to write a blog about how I achieved this until I realized the secret is "work hard, and accept insignificant amounts of money". Because this has been my foundational work ethic, this is not strange to me, but from talking to people versed in for-profit situations, apparently this isn't the ideal way to do things. BUT, on the other hand I look at people like my friend who reflected after the pandemic started that, "after this clears up, I would like to go into a career that I felt good about". The work I do doesn't only make me feel good, often it gives back to the world in a way. I have made it my business to seek payment for opportunities rather than pay for them. That's just how I roll. SO, what have I been up to this year? 

In January I started a new position at a new non-profit that did very similar things to my last job. After a few slow months of learning through a new community, I was eager for events to gain steam and programs to start rolling out. A week after they started, Covid cancelled everything. Like many, I spent a few months struggling to complete tasks while working from home, until June, when I was fortunate to begin in-person programs taking small groups of students hiking around the mountains. I am so fortunate (mentally, emotionally, and financially) that these programs continued through October!

My side-gig doing data entry for a food delivery business had been stalled since last Thanksgiving, but it turns out that a pandemic is a good time for food delivery, and we got some additional funding allowing me to earn a bit when I could get the hours in. We are expanding to Boulder next month and I am excited to continue this venture for a bit. 

My in-town role model hired me as a personal trainer! My first gig as such. Although with the pandemic we were teaching classes virtually, it was still a fun way to get into the business. I did get to teach a few classes in person out doors with a mask on in the grass 10 feet away, but as cases rose, that got shut down. Eventually that boss fired me for taking a similar gig and not knowing the small town backstory behind their feud. 
BUT in the meantime I pitched an idea for an app for aerialists to a company in German and now I'm their content designer. It's a lot of work and research but I'm hopeful for the outcome. I'm only about three bites into the elephant at the moment. 

During the year, I also worked for the Census for a bit, which was interesting insight into the absolute shit-show of a federal government organization that only runs every 10-years during a pandemic under the Trump Administration in the state of New Mexico in a town with very limited resources. I actually wrote to a couple of newspapers about how poorly the thing was run because I felt it would rival the headlines about the post office. I haven't heard the final numbers but two weeks before the census closed prematurely, only 30% of our town had filled out their survey, which isn't great for our future budget. Local stores were offering gift cards and free ice cream if you filled it out. 

Finally, through the first-mentioned job, I got a position as a PE teacher at a school I can ride my bike to. I got to spend a few weeks in person with students with masks on, reminding them to stay 6-feet away and doing a lot of unusual outdoor ed-based PE that they weren't used to. The rest of my time is spent designing screen-free outdoor activities that are delivered through Google Classroom. What a world we live in. 

Outside of my employment endeavors, which clearly kept me busy (along with care-taking the chickens, harvesting from the garden, and other house-related shenanigans) I managed to write an article with the Center for American Progress, and I'm a defendant in a case against Donald Trump and his attempt to roll back certain Clean Water Act standards that would affect watersheds here in New Mexico where I farm and recreate. My Bataan March was cancelled as was a trip to New Orleans for the Tennessee Williams Festival that in hindsight I couldn't have afforded. Instead, Duck (the dog) got lots of walks around the neighborhood. Perhaps my greatest accomplishment was rearranging my room and creating this almost-perfect corner of books and beauty. 

Like many others, I also experienced some loss this year. My inspiring grandmother Isabel passed away, as did my sweet friend, old co-worker and ex-roomate, Hannah. Both of their lives truly inspired me and I will keep them in my heart as we march into 2021. 

So-- here I am. Some hours, days and weeks of 2020 were certainly a struggle. But I'm here. At the dawn of a new decade-- (a New Age of Aquarius?). I think it's easy to look back at the last 12 months of cancellations and police brutality and unfair economics and feel sour-- but I am inspired by the people who turned out to protests with masks on, I am grateful for months at home to play with my dog and watch the flowers bloom, and I am hopeful that if nothing else, 2020 renewed my energy and reignited my anger.  Cause I (we) have some work to do in 2021. 

My 2018 identity crisis, illustrated.

 I usually make a hearty reflection-full post about my growth and goals of the year. Over the last few years, I've wanted to collect more data... which I suppose could sound like a nerdy non-personal way of analyzing a year... but to me data is the opposite. I have a Fit Bit and lots of apps (I just made a post about my favorite fitness apps you can check out) that tell me how long I spend on websites, and how many calories I've supposedly burned in a day. But for me, data is different. There's something wholesome about taking all of these moments, breaths, ideas, steps, etc and somehow condensing them into a yearly trend or new habit. After trying my hand at these electronic apps and gadgets, I've determined that my favorite way of collecting data is through thoughtful reflection at the end of each day. I think one of my greatest accomplishments in 2018 was a) seeing a therapist and b) realizing my therapist was right that I'm in a sort of identity crisis. Looking back at my planner/diary is evidence of my mercurial year, and my affinity for collecting data. For too much of my year, however, this reflective 'data collection' wasn't possible. For much of the year I struggled just to eat, sleep, shower, please people, and navigate the different pulls in my heart and brain. Fortunately, I feel in a steady place, despite all the unknowns ahead of me. And from this steady place, I look back at my 2018 through the graphics I drew. 

Over 15 great days and just two and a half utterly horrible ones. I am blessed. 

The highlights of my year were in my travels. I managed to make it home three times in 2018, once by air and twice by car, and only once for work. Most importantly my boyfriend got to meet the important players of my family, including my 95-year-old grandpa, just a month before he passed away. The memory of them making veteran jokes that none of us understood before my boyfriend dropped an "I'm going to marry your granddaughter" to the shock of my immediate family will stay with me for a long time. 

When your rough draft becomes your final draft

The year was tragically void of trips to Detroit, save one battle with a biased judge in a court that is acting criminally against us. I have received mix support from friends, but if anyone reading this knows a good family lawyer in Michigan HMU. 

The highlight trip was a three-week adventure to the Northwest that allowed me not only to scratch Montana and Idaho off my list, but also experience the lovely towns of Boise and Missoula. 

Highlight of Boise: Vegan BBQ

Although I found out that my grandfather passed while in a hotel parking lot in Eugene, the same town where I found that the friend I hoped to visit was in the hospital, we had many wonderful drives through the changing leaves, and met up with a dozen good friends on either side of our framily. 

As much as I appreciated traveling and seeing new things, the part of the year that made my heart happiest was just being home. I had three different homes in 2018, aside from my parent's house which will always be a different, deep/nostalgic feeling of home. I left my home of 4.5 years and moved into a tiny studio with my boyfriend, then moved sight unseen into a relatively disgusting bigger house. After six weeks of traveling during the first two months we moved in, some fresh paint and lots of magic erasers, I'm enjoying having hours and days in my abode with my man and dog and our tiny ass fridge. 

Obviously, I didn't draw this one, but I took this photo upon the conclusion of leading Paleo Trek for the second time. It was a weird summer, doing a job that had always made me happy and realizing that it didn't anymore. Especially because the friends that had seen that happiness couldn't understand why or how I was changing, they just assumed it was a negative thing. I think of life in Spirals, you're growing outward, facing some of the same problems, hurdles, and joys you have before, but from a different angle. I'm so glad I spent my 20's working hard, doing what I loved and trying new things with new people in new places. 

One of the images I worked on for therapy is a graphic (in progress) that highlights how I understand identity. Identity is like a tree at your core, there may be one or three or five (but goodness not an even number, lol) of things you identify with at your core. Over time those trees will grow, and new branches will emerge. These branches can be new people in your life that have similar feelings on that subject as you, or careers along that path. These might grow into sturdy branches or they might fall, to give way to a new branch to grow. The roots of that tree go into who you are, but as the tree grows, it might shift a bit. 


Going into 2019, I'm working on a few more applications for Graduate schools. This is especially challenging for me, as academia is so important to me, and funding is so scarce, that I yearn for an amazing program that I can flourish in, for free, within my realm of interests. The challenging part is deciding just what interest to pursue. At this point I've written three different, almost opposing essays about how one or the other program is everything I want in life. This year is bound to bring big changes (hopefully not scary political ones) to my life, and I have no idea which direction it will send me. What I do know is that I have a super supportive family, a group of enduring friends, and a car that I've just about paid off. So, bring it, 2019. 

An identity analysis with a Grad school Focus... and lots of room for adding on. :)

Cycles amd Stories... 2016's nut of a shell

As if to illustrate my final frustrations with this year, my eloquent wrap up that I wrote on my long drive was not saved, and I haven't found the motivation to rewrite it.
I've changed tones a bit, however, as I've spent the last few days in a much different place than I started this year.

In 2015, I became fascinated with two concepts that carry our culture: the stories we build and the cycles of life that we drift between. I was crowned weave this year into the them of stories and cycles-- appreciating the evolution of my own story, cultivating my instinct to share stories all under an acknowledgement and appreciation for the cycles happening around us: seasonal cycles and revolutions around the Earth as much as the Nitrogen, Carbon, Rock and water cycles we often neglect. At my first recollection, I considered I had failed this theme, because I hadn't regarded it too often throughout my year. This year, my story took a sharp turn, however. I appreciated the familiarity of the cycles around me as my story changed with each season. 

I started this year in love with a man I had wished for half my life, on a rooftop in Manitou, Colorado. A few weeks later, between 500-mile drives, we talked about marriage, and how to co-exist together. A few months later his addiction to alcohol resulted in his death, and a chapter of my life closed forever. The end of this year finds me doing squats in line outside of an REI in 33 degree rain in Albuquerque. I'm in love again. I'm spending the holiday with my boyfriends' kids at my space in a 27 acre park in my favorite city in New Mexico. I have a job I love but work hard at, I have a space to call home, my car just turned a year old and I've got it 65% paid off, I have my health, though I'm about 12 lbs lighter than last year (for better or worse), I own a gun, and I have a huge path of possibility before me.

Below I will recount the achievements and losses I have grown through this year. But undeniably the greatest thing I've learned, felt, exuded... is the power of love. Especially unconditional love.

There will be times when love is all you have. Life will frustrate you, cripple you, anger you, and pain you. People will do this too. I have been faulted and appreciated for finding the beauty in the worst of things-- even people. But everything has beauty. And everyone needs love. And if you love so hard you hold on... then you'll be rewarded. Whether it's with a huge or a smile or a lifetime of opportunities, it's worth it to love. Sometimes it hurts, and often it's confusing, but love is something no one can take away or control, but you. 

Rather than simply review, here's my 2016 in stats.

-Miles Driven: 23,000k my car ~5,000 miles in 15 passenger vans and probably another 5,000 in other cars. This equates to over 300 hours sitting in my car, plus at least as much driving around for work. And I HATE sitting. 

-Mountain Summits: West Spanish Peak, Colorado 

-Two friends lost to alcoholic hepatitis

-New states added to my list!: MI, MN, ID, NE
(4 trips from New Mexico to Michigan/Minnesota)

-Countries added to list: England

-Number of nights traveling/camping vs in my own bed 145/221

-Friends that visited me: Brother, Elliot, Sarah 

-Number of books read: Just ONE! What a year...

-Work accomplishments: Group leading an adult trek, pulling off a wedding, reunion and two rendezvous in one summer

-Another wedding planned and missed- hah. :-/ 

And so, the calendar cycle ends with me completely unsure of what the future will hold. With everything that has happened this year to me and to the world, I've stopped having high hopes for the future. I'm holding on to what I have every day knowing that it can, and probably will change. But I'm also going to keep working on myself. Despite not knowing what 2017 holds, I'm pretty excited for the journey. 

Goodbye 2014, year of Growth

A year ago I was sitting on this couch at my parent's house wondering whether my plans to move to the land of Enchantment were going to come through, or if I would have to scrape together a backup plan. Now, a mere 365 days later, I almost feel like a different person, sitting now a year into what I was dreaming and imagining for myself. When I sat here a year ago, along with the questions of the future, I had a feeling- a feeling that it was going to be a big year of growth, not just for me but for my family. But it is myself that I will reflect upon in my annual review of the year.

2014!

States I've breathed the air in: California, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Texas.
Achievements: Climbing my first 14ner! Becoming a resident in New Mexico! Getting hired for the Environmental Education Association of New Mexico! My 3rd delightful year at 'The Gulch'! Changing my status from "single" to "domestic partnership" on official documents.
Passing Excitements: Getting free and discounted organic food from the co-op due to Amil's employment. Wrote and entered a 10 page screen play to a competition (results in February...). Designed and submitted a collage for an illustration competition (which I didn't get)

I saw more movies this year than I probably saw in the last 3 or 4 years combined.

• Hanna (not bad)
• Chocolat (cute!)
• Blue Jasmine (interesting)
• Elysium (eh..)
• Prisoners (ugh...great movie, but not my type)
• Spirited Away (oh wow. also not my type, but fun)
• The Hobbit 2 (looking forward to the last one!)
• Lego Movie (EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!)
• Water for Elephants (Wonderful!)
• Being John Malcovich (weird!)
• Home (we're Screwed)
• Human Stain (<3)
• Malefecent (in theatres! good ending)
• How to Train Your Dragon 2 (cute!)
• The Giver (not bad!)
• Flight (ugh. dumb)
• Georgia O'Keefe (inspiring!)

I achieved my reading goals of 1 book a month! (Although perhaps next year I should specify page numbers.) I thought I wasn't going to make it in those months of working 10 days straight, but I made up for it in these slow winter months. Oh, and not having a job for the first two months helped, too. Looking back, maybe I should keep my same goal for next year.

1- Dirt, the Erosion of Civilizations (Very scholarly, tough read)
2- Sand, the never ending story (Fascinating, inspiring, quotable)
3- The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle (Young adult, a reread)
4- Here on Gilligan's Isle (Fascinting in a fun way. easy read)
5- Frozen in Time (Audio book whilst traveling to NM)
6- Tree Ring's Tale (Kids science, easy read, but inspiring)
7- The Kindness of Strangers, the life of Tennessee Williams
8- Freaking Green (Young adult, for book club)
9- El Nino, Unlocking the Secrets of the Master Weather Maker (informative, not too compelling)
10- Green Glass Sea (young adult)
11- An Orchard Invisible (fascinating)
12- The Red Hourglass, Lives of Predators (interesting)
13- White Sands, Red Menace (young adult)
14- My First Love (Short story)
15- Darwin, Portrait of a Genius (audiobook)
16- Ocean of Air (best book of the year for sure!)
17- Small Wonder, Essays by Barbara Kingsolver
18- Henry Miller- Tropic of Cancer (made me lose faith in the good ol' classics)


So all in all, 2014 was a year of...growth. I felt that I came into adulthood a lot more this last year than I did by turning 18, or 21, or graduating college, or having my first job.
With that said, I look forward to 2015 as a year of (relative) stability. Thus, as I set my expectations/resolutions/and goals at this excellent turning point, I expect that living in one place will greatly improve my chances of achieving my goals. Rather than list all my goals and resolutions, here's my mantra for the year.
Be the Be(a)st you can Be!  Emphasis on BEING, existing, and on the Beast. I hope to work toward a personal beast mode, which involves slaying the beast inside, and not giving into a lot of those little urges.

I hope to be at least a little more consistent with my blog this year, including a few buzzfeedesque picture lists, because I'm a little obsessed with them (lists and visual learning = love).

I hope that everyone reading this is enjoying a start to a new year with the people they love and a warmth in their heart.