1) Shock- You do things that don't really make sense given the gravity of the situation. You crumble, you cry, you hit the ground. No matter how much you expected it... you grapple to understand the news. You are thankful for the voice that told you. You call your mommy. Shock continues to rock you, like a ripple on water, dissapating and concentrating throughout you.
2) Grief. - You cry until you can't breathe. You catch your breath, and look around at the blankness before you. You cry again, this time until you feel discomfort. Your guts writhe with the feeling of being empty and full. You cry again, until you're numb. You body buzzes but feels frozen. Your heart stops and stutters simultaneously. Your skin crawls inside and oozes outward into your space. You breathe. You cry again...this time until you're hollow, there are no guts inside, it's all dripped out of your face, emotions, thoughts, control.
3) Sorrow- You begin to grapple. To piece together the situation. I formulate a plan. I'm a planner. I compartmentalize. I buy donuts, but I can't eat them. I ache for one more moment with him. You try to distract yourself and concentrate on every minute detail at the same time. Thoughts speed through your brain but time is standing still. Sorrow envelopes you like a dark dress that no one can see, but you can feel it's pins and needles upon you at all times.
3.5) Sharing- Sorrow continues, but his spirit exists in the memeories people share. We are all simply made of memories. Our own unique beings. No matter how much you share with others, know one but yourself will know your entire being. I talk to people that knew him 5 years ago, or when he grew up. People that knew him for the last five years. My timeline with him stretches through the middle to the end of his life. We honor his spirit the way he would have wanted. We honor his life, his selfishness and his selflessness. "Fuckin' Sid" is all we can say.
4) Acceptance- Acceptance starts inside you like oil, mixed with the water of sorrow. You know it's going to settle into layers, that sorrow will always be there, but with acceptance it won't hurt as much...but first it's too shaken to settle. By 3:00pm of day 4, acceptance had started to settle, thanks to gentle conversations and lots of hard decisions. Plans are made toward finding closure for him and honoring his wishes, which allows us to be prepped for acceptance to wash over.
5) Anger. I didn't feel this one, but I know many do. I'm not angry at Sid for not taking care of himself. I can't be. I have to accept his fate as well as he did. And respect the hell out of the fact that he lived and died doing exactly what he wanted.
6) "You don't get over it...you get through it." You realize that the best way to honor the dead is by living fully, and begin the transitions back to your own life. You are grateful for those around you, and you start to tell them so. Suddenly saying I love you doesn't feel awkward, it feels necessary. You breathe, thankful of each breath. You take one step, then another, knowing that some steps can be taken in his honor, some need to be taken for yourself, and some are going to hurt like hell.
7) You learn to appreciate hurting like hell. Cause at least when you're hurting you're feeling something. And that's what life is all about. Feeling.
You may swear to never love again. Or know that you will never find a love like that again. But you reflect on the lessons that they shared with you, the incredible influences they had on every aspect of your life, even the ones you're not aware of yet.